My Alternate Universe

So Saturday was my birthday, and obvs I got some sweet stuff in the mail. My mom sent me some birthday $$$, my two sets of grandparents sent me the same card from two different states, and one of my little sisters sent me a sweet package with a card and a letter in it, among other things (like melted fun-sized chocolate, probably leftover from Halloween.) I know that she gets embarrassed sometimes when I blog about her, so I'm going to let you guess which one of my three sisters sent me this amazing letter. By transcribing it into a blog post, it loses some of its charm; she wrote it in three different colored pens. The punctuation is all in orange, the body of the letter is green, and the salutations are blue. This girl is amazing, as you're about to find out. I'm transcribing it exactly how it is, spelling, punctuation, etc. ENJOY! (P.S., it's necessary to know that this little lady isn't even in High School yet. That adds to the wow-factor of the letter.)

"Dear Lauren-
Happy Birthday!! I hope you are doing well in Boston and are making many friends (I have no doubt in my mind that you are alread immensly popular.) You always have had the funny gift of making such remarks and speaking so indirectly that it feels direct and pierce's one's being in to initial shock, which then is replaced with a quick assuredly to positive liking, and wanting of friendships. You pierce and treat them in such a way that they walk away feeling as though they've known you all their lives and you are a very close friend.
Anyway, as our dull, unfathumness lives continue, devoid of much drama right now (much to my weary relief) I will recount to you things you may or may not have heard. I will be focusing more on the little things because you most likely have heard of the big. To start from the back and move up, I will start that I was slightly pleased and shocked that you were indeed correct about me (I don't mean that offensively). During the last two days of school, which were dull without purpose and should have been cut out altogether in my opinion, we had an award cerimony. The award in which I had the pleasure of recieving was the "Writers with Style" award: which means that I am one of the top 7 best creative writers out of my whole grade. When you commented on my writing as, how you put it "eloquent", I did not believe you, but as it is, my teacher loved my writing. In fact, they even quoted a passage in one of my essay's! The essay was about how in the future the world will come to an end and bla bla bla I'm sure you don't care much about that. The Merill's are here, although unfourtunatly John is coming on Thursday, and Dad's leaving on Thursday! Oh well, I can be patient, and I must.
So, enough with the dull entrieties of our quiet (but it can't be quiet, because we live in California) life. Mother never tells me a whit about you, even when I ask earnestly and tenderly!! So tell me everything that's happened, spare no dirty detail pos favor. I'm longing to see my dear brother, sisters, and soon to be nephew along with the sweet air, and green of Boston!! Oh how I long for it!! But not this year anyway.
Now, in regards of framing the piece I sent you. It would be best if you consulted with Sister Gaz on a proper a good framing store. She told me once of one that does a superb job, but it has slipped my mind, and I fear that I did not soak, absorb, and ponder her ways as I should have, I had just always assumed that she would be there, a quite short car ride away. Please send my regards to her and everyone else. The page lines are against me and I do not want to go onto another page so I will end her, with the small demand that you HAVE to answer my questions somehow, if by email, phone, or letter! I care not.
Everyone sends their love!!"

This girl is fantastic. Don't you love all of the big words she's using, and spells them all wrong? You can't blame her, she's part of the spell-check dependent generation. Love her! No wonder she received the "Writers with Style" award! She even uses the Oxford comma, just like me! Happy My Birthday!

It's my Dad's birthday today!

Happy Birthday, Dad!
How does "old" feel?

...that I kvetched about bad spelling and punctuation? Today, while facebook chatting with someone and simultaneously reading another website, I accidentally wrote "their" instead of "they're." I immediately blushed, apologized, and self-loathed. Turns out I am still human, in case you were wondering.

Things that make me sad.

Bad spelling and punctuation
Or, worse yet, when I notice something that I've typed with bad spelling or punctuation. Like when I noticed that I pluralized something with an apostrophe before the 's.' Something in me dies when that happens.

Not acknowledging that autism exists
For example, this blurb about John Travolta's deceased son:
"In a new development, reports are coming in revealing that official documents concerning the death of John Travolta's young son, Jett, confirm that the boy suffered from autism.
In fact, the report has John himself using the terminology, which is against the beliefs of Scientology.
Within the religion, there are rules concerning the practice of medicine, particularly ailments that are considered psychiatric diagnoses, such as autism. Scientoligists believe that diseases such as this are "fake" and rather than seeking medical treatment, practitioners are advised to stick to a Scientological detoxification regime.
There is no word yet if there will be a backlash against the actor for acknowledging his son's autism, but as a high-profile Scientologist, it is bound to send a stir in the community."

At the last company that I worked for (in LA) we had a client whose parents thought that his autism was really just a demonic possession, and regularly had him exorcised. People, there's a reason your priest can't cure your son. No amount of holy water will reverse a neurobiological disorder.

Blisters
'Nuf said. I went to the track this morning fully intending to run 10-12 laps, depending on my will power, and only made it to 5 because I felt a blister swelling with every thump of my right foot. Dear blister: 1.25 miles is not going to make me skinny. GO AWAY, YOU AREN'T WELCOME ON THE ARCH OF MY FOOT. Affectionately yours, Lauren Kay Palmer.

My boobs
Sorry to anyone who feels uncomfortable with this topic of blog-ersation, but really they're making me crazy enough to remark about them. Who thought it was okay to have 5XL boobs, and yet be a medium everywhere else? It makes buying clothes really difficult, and sports bras REALLY uncomfortable. Anyone want to surgically borrow some flesh from me?

Phew, that's over. Things that make me happy!

People watching
The way Brazilian women dress to go grocery shopping. The way I walk down two blocks in my neighborhood and hear five languages spoken. The way Bostonians dress as if they've earned the right to be shlumpy through their PhD's. Because here, ratty hooded sweatshirts and flip flops aren't just an outfit, they're a way of life.

The little things
Like, for example, buying new razor blades (such smooth legs!) and getting free shaving cream with them (thanks, CVS, even smoother!!)

My 3,000 year-old Chinese landlord, who speaks no English
Except for "pay car now" for parking, and "hellololo" for hello. I love how his face lights up whenever I say "hi" to him (and he says hellololo back) as if no one ever talks to the man. And somehow he's developed some crazy drug that makes roses grow to insane heights and widths. Good job, old man.

Weekends
Because I can sleep in until 10am, sit on my bed with the windows open and listen to the trees rustle, and peruse the internet for hours at a time.

My mom
Happy Birthday!

Sheepishly giving in to the pressures of Pop music
and downloading songs that a person would hear on "JAM'N 94.5" or "KISS 108." I don't want people to know that I just downloaded that song featuring T-Pain, but when no one's looking I'm going to get down and boogie to it!

I went ahead and stole this from facebook, mostly so that my mom could glance at it.

Unfortunately I didn't take more pictures... Anne looked amazing though!

My brother Christopher and his preggers wife Megan

Dave Bennett and Chase Kimball, brothers of the bride and groom

Megan and I

Mary-Lu Nelson, holding it down at the crêpe stand

Guess who got into graduate school? 2 weeks from application to acceptance... pretty fast, eh?